For those of you following my journey, you may be wondering why the heck I’ve not lost these last 15 pounds. The last bit of junk in my trunk, the final 15% of my 100 pound goal. The answer is not so simple. I could regale you with reasons, like a very busy time in my life these last 9 months, changes to my thyroid meds that have helped but still make weight loss a challenge, lack of sleep, and a general unwillingness to do more than maintain. While maintaining for me is a pretty awesome thing, it’s been a prolonged stop in the weight loss. I’m fine all day, but come dinner time, I’ve upped my intake, and stress hormones have definitely been a factor.
Most days I’m completely sugar and flour free. Definitely off the powder, but still imbibing in that glass of wine, or an extra starch at dinner. So yes, I’m proud to still be Luminous on most fronts, but the journey isn’t done, and to be honest, I feel a bit embarrassed about it. I could wallow in how I wanted the awesome beautifully shot photo of my final “AFTER,” how that size 6 or 8 is still eluding me, how I’ve dragged out just getting to goal already, how, if I was really on point, this whole thing would have been done and I’d be on maintenance at GOAL.
When the going gets tough, I used to bail. Not just bail, go off the rails, dismantle the rails, and pile the weight back on. I would steer clear of the smaller jeans, slowly spending more time in sweats and leggings, and slide into complete unconsciousness. I would yet again feel powerless over my obsession with food. I would yet again dive back into the stuff that always promised me relief. And that’s why this journey is so different. The sugar/flour free path has allowed me to stay in control over the progress already made. That stuff that always promised me relief? Like cake, floury baked goods, bags of salty crunchy snack foods? I know they never keep their promise. They NEVER keep their promise. They promise comfort. NOT. They promise soothing during stressful times. SO NOT! Recognizing the false promises not only propels me forward, it reminds me that this journey isn’t just about shedding the weight. I mean, we’ve ALL lost lots of pounds in the past right?
Sure, I’ve had a slip or two (or three or four). In fact, I almost had a big one the other night while at a party with dear friends. There was a buffet. No problem. I picked the best I could, mostly salad, some meatballs, a little quinoa salad, and I was done. Then came a monster black and white cake. Sitting at the table, watching everyone around me have their cake and eat it too, I heard the little demon voice….”Just have a taste so you’ll know you’re not missing anything, what’s the big deal?” I almost caved, ’cause hey, I’m doing really well right? Cakes still have that “but it’s a celebration” fanfare about them. But here’s the thing, they NEVER deliver on their promise, EVER. And the stronger BadAss voice inside quickly came out against that other voice. I flashed forward in time to right after I tasted it. And there, in that future moment, I knew it would just be regret. I would obsess more about having it than NOT having it. At the end of the evening, I recognized how NOT having it in that moment reinforced my commitment. I had no regrets. That feeling was better than any piece of cake. REALLY.
These last 9 months, I’ve maintained. There, I said it. I’ve maintained. And while I could sit around and beat myself up for not having the fortitude to hammer on all the way to goal sooner, or sit with regrets about not buckling down more consistently, I remind myself that this journey is about learning habits that will keep me at goal once I’m AT goal. Over the next couple of months, I have some down time, some time to recoup, and to set my focus on releasing that last hunk of my chunk off. But that picture above? That’s a super visual reminder that I’ve come far. It was taken the other night before the cake moment. When the going gets tough, I don’t have to just maintain. I can push past the holding pattern and bravely go to goal.
For those of you who are struggling, there is not a clock on this. There is only the journey. Some days we hit big milestones, and some days we learn the lessons and soldier on. Don’t throw it all away, and don’t believe the false promises you hear ringing through your lizard brain. Soldier on with me, leave the self-recrimination behind, and know that you can and WILL get there. Celebrate the wins, and learn from the losses. And if you’re simply maintaining? For most of us, that is a milestone. Take heart that you’ve already proven you can maintain, and you can be confident that once you get to the ultimate goal, you know EXACTLY what to do to stay there.
One last thing…do you want to share your story? Have you hit a major milestone and want to crow about it? Over the next few months, I plan on doing some podcasts featuring some fellow BadAsses talking about the milestones and challenges along the way. You don’t have to be at your goal. We are all works in progress. If you’re interested, please pop me an email with PODCAST in the subject line and we’ll set up a time for a little audio interview.